History just aren't what it used to be !
Grade School Reports
A compilation of statements from actual grade school papers:
1. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in Hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and the climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.
2. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.
3. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.
4. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had Myths. A Myth is a female moth.
5. Actually, Homer was not written by Homer but by another man of that name.
6. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death his career suffered a dramatic decline.
7. Eventually the Romans conquered the Greeks. History calls people Romans because they never stayed in one place for long.
8. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made King. Dying, he gasped out: ‘Tee hee, Brutus.’
9. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by Bernard Shaw. Finally Magna Carta provided that no man should be hanged twice for the same offense.
10. Another story was William Tell who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his sons head.
11. Queen Elizabeth was the ‘Virgin Queen.’ As a Queen she was a great success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted ‘hurrah.’
12. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.
13. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of heroic couplet. Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.
14. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
15. One of the causes of the Revolutionary War was the English put tacks in their tea. Also the colonists would send their parcels through the post without stamps. Finally the colonists won the war and no longer had to pay for taxis. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the contented congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the declaration of independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backwards and declared, ‘A horse divided against itself cannot stand.’ Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
16. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German and Half Italian and half English. He was very large.
17. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.
18. The ninteenth century was a time of a great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steam boat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of a hundred men.
19. Louis Paster discovered a cure for rabbis. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the organ of the species. Madam Curie discovered radio. And Karl Marx became one of the Marx Brothers.
20. The first world war, caused by the assignation of the Arch- Duck by an anahist, ushered in a new error in the anals of human history.
